Santosha FAIL

Contentment.  Serenity. Feeling positive.  "Santosha" embodies all of these things, and I haven't scratched the surface in observing them this week.  In fact, I've been in an awful mood, and disgruntled and dissatisfied with everything.  Epic FAIL on my observance of the Niyamas.

Yesterday was Monday, and I felt like I was fairly disciplined over the weekend (I did yoga, I studied for my History and Philosophy test on Wednesday, I graded my students' labs & tests, I even went to church!), but I stepped on the scale and started the day "up" a pound.  (Another pound, I should add, because I've just added on pound by pound, and at this point, my clothes are starting to not fit.  Not cool.  THAT is a problem because I like my clothes, and I can't afford to buy new ones!).  I could have avoided my bad mood by not stepping on the scale, I suppose, but that would have been dishonest.  I "accepted" my number, stepped off the scale, and pledged to be more mindful with regards to diet and exercise.

I showed up to school, and not one student in my 1st period class had done their reading assignment over the weekend.  This was frustrating, because I had spent a good deal of time over the weekend grading their tests and labs, and they couldn't be bothered to read an article on Human Growth Hormones.  I could have avoided my bad mood by not assigning weekend homework, I suppose.  I "accepted" their inability to discuss the article, and re-assigned it for the next day.

I returned home from work to a delicious smell - my husband had cooked a huge pot of gumbo for dinner.  Immediately my mind focused on my diet, knowing that gumbo has sausage which isn't very healthy, and I worried about the scale again.  I "accepted" that dinner was made, and ran out to run an errand.
Later, I came home just in time for dinner to be served, and instead of finding serenity in the fact that I didn't need to worry one single bit about shopping for ingredients, I didn't need to cook the meal, I didn't even need to clean up the prep for the meal, I focused on what wasn't done - things like the kids' backpacks being "unpacked", the homework papers still scattered on the table, legos that were all over the floor.

I wasn't content, even though I had so much to feel positive about, so much to be grateful and thankful for.  I'm ashamed of myself, especially since this is a week where I am supposed to be seeking contentment, observing Santosha.  I owed my husband a HUGE apology this morning - whether or not he "accepted" it is another matter; I wouldn't blame him if he didn't!  I owe myself a "re-do", and I need to re-evaluate my ability to find "contentment".

Good thing tomorrow is another day!

Be content with what you have;
rejoice in the way things are.
When you realize there is nothing lacking,
the whole world belongs to you.” 
― Lao Tzu

The Niyamas

Patanjali, in his Yoga Sutras, sets forth 8 limbs to follow on the path to "Kingly" Yoga practice.  Yes, dear readers, it's a "path", which means there are lots of things to observe along your journey.  And, if you're the impatient type, I hate to break it to you, the journey never ends.  Each step you take creates another foot on the path.
For the last 5 weeks, I have been "restraining" myself.  That's what the Yamas (see lower left arm on the diagram) are all about - restraint.  The world comes at you from all directions on your journey, and you need to restrain yourself:  don't harm, don't lie, don't steal, don't lust, and don't hoard.  For the next 5 weeks, I'm going to be "observing" myself, as dictated by the Niyamas (see 2nd lower left arm on the diagram).
First up?  Saucha.  Cleanliness, purity.  Well, I took a bath each day this week, so I'm off to a good start!  If only it were so simple.  No one said the journey would be easy...

"Niyama consists of purity, contentment, accepting but not causing pain, study of spiritual books, and worship of God" - Patanjali, Yoga Sutra 2.32

Aparigraha

Well, here we are, my 5th and final week of "self-restraint", and I've come to the Yama "aparigraha".  I've not harmed, I've not lied, I've not stolen, and I've not lusted.  What am I up against this week?  Not hoarding!  This is going to be the best Yama yet!

I already started the non-hoarding this morning, by putting out some old furniture that had been languishing in our basement for about a year.  I gathered up and bagged some of the boys' out-grown clothing for donation.  When I went grocery shopping this week, I was very conscious about my purchases - even if things were on sale, I only bought exactly what I needed for the week (I can't say the same for Husband, who was sent to make a return and came home with what seemed like 5 boxes of Reese's Puffs).  What my thoughts turn to is where does this tendency to hoard things come from?

I think about my mother's pantry, filled with long-expired cake mix, canned soups, quinoa from before quinoa was cool, jars of mayo and boxes of breadcrumbs.  She keeps a deep freezer stocked with meat, frozen "fresh" pasta, LouieBloo Raspberry Otter Pops from 1985, and various bags of veggies, now probably gray with freezer burn.  My siblings and I joke that she could feel a small developing nation for a week - and it's just her and my dad living at home. PS, even with that much food, she still goes grocery shopping at BJs every week.  Did I mention there are only 2 people living in their house?

 I think about my husband's parents, and their TWO closets filled with old school papers, CDs and boyhood trinkets from when my husband was last living at home.  Every time my in-laws visit, they bring one whole suitcase filled with both food packets, "In case you can't buy cooking sauce here", and stuff from 1979, including my husband's "Star Wars" doodlings.  Don't worry, though...they shop the entire time they are here, so that suitcase just gets filled back up again with stuff for them to take home with them.  PS, when I get the urge to throw the frayed, yellowing pages of old schoolwork away, my husband is right there, saying, "Just hold on to it...I'll find a place for it"

Do we, as human beings in this great land of plenty known as America, have a fear of missing out?  Are we concerned that we might not get our "fair share"?  Are we worried that things we desire may never go on sale, ever again?  Are we fearful that we might forget a stage of our lives if we don't have a tangible reminder of what we did and created back then?

Do we really need this much?  It's almost gross, our over-consumption, our dependency on Warehouse stores because we live in huge homes and need to fill them with things, including a gallon of ketchup in case there's ever a shortage of high-fructose corn syrup-filled tomato sauce.  We have so many kids who do so many activities that we "need" to buy SUVs ("oh, but it's considered a mid-size.  It's not really that big...") with 15mpg gigantic tanks that need filling, so we end up hoarding gas, too.  But how much do we really need to make us happy?

Ultimately, I think it has to be this pursuit of happiness that is causing all this hoarding.  I mean, it's written into our constitution, isn't it?  Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.  But when did the pursuit of Happiness translate into the acquisition of "things"?  And with all of the "things" that we have, how many of us are truly happy?  There's always more to have, so we work ever harder to hoard more money so we can afford to buy bigger houses and bigger cars so we can fill them with more things and more kids and more, more, more.

Aparigraha means "less".  It means, take a look around you, and let go of things.  When you let go, you can begin to find contentment.  This is not easy.  It will probably cause me pain.  I've been lying to myself, telling myself that I need all of this to feel happy.  Perhaps I've been stealing happiness from others because I'm unhappy with less.  I may find myself lusting after "more"... I need to let it go.  Don't hoard.  Find happiness in just being.

"By the observance of aparigraha, the yogi makes his life as simple as possible and trains his mind not to feel the loss or lack of anything.  Then everything he really needs will come to him by itself at the proper time." - B.K.S. Iyengar, Light on Yoga

Brahmacharya

Practice of Brahmacharya gives good health, inner strength, peace of mind and long life. It invigorates the mind and nerves. It helps to conserve physical and mental energy. It augments memory, will force and brain power. It bestows tremendous strength, vigour and vitality. Strength and fortitude are obtained... He who is established in Brahmacharya will have lustrous eyes, a sweet voice and a beautiful complexion. - Swami Sivananda

What a shame, Swami.  A beautiful complexion, sweet voice, and lustrous eyes?  And now that I'm looking good, I have to stay celibate...where is the justice in that?!?

I kid, I kid.  Brahmacharya is important stuff for the yogi practicing Raja Yoga.  Brahmacharya is the 4th moral restraint in Patanjali's 8-limbed path of yoga.  It's sort of like an addendum to the plan. You've gotta follow these 8 limbs, but the first two limbs each have 5 parts/restraints/observances.   You thought you were in for 8 paths, but really, there are 16 things you have to think about.
The idea behind Brahmacharya is not to engage in any activity that is purely for pleasure.  Live in moderation - don't be lazy, don't engage in your bad habits, don't excessively eat or drink, and of course, don't waste your energy on sex.  Basically, you're following these 8-limbs, and it's going to take all of your energy to do that with the proper devotion, so don't go wasting your energy on lustful things.  
Brahmacharya used to be a proper life-stage, like adolescence;  a time period where you were devoted to learning and studying with your guru, and you didn't have time for frivolous things like lust and excess.  Not a bad plan; as an 8th grade teacher, I think that adolescents could benefit from enjoying some brahmacharya.  Perhaps we'd have less "Teen Mom" and a lot more "Honor Roll Report Cards".  Right?  Somewhere along the way, this idea has gone by the wayside, and nowadays, celibacy seems to be practiced only by select, devout few.
As far as I'm concerned, I think I am capable of keeping calm and enjoying Brahmacharya while I'm studying the 8-limbed path.  It lends a bit of seriousness and authenticity to what I'm doing.  I can always benefit from augmented memory, vigor and vitality.  In this season of germ-infested clouds of viruses whirling around us, I probably need extra strength and fortitude.  It can't hurt to give up some of life's little luxuries...It's only a week, right?  

Asteya

Whoops!  I "stole" this image
but here's the credit

I don't mean to be so glib about my image credits to the left.  Asteya is some serious stuff.  It's making me think a lot about how I live my life.
No, I'm not one of those suburban shoplifters; I'm not a cat burgler.  I don't think up schemes to rob banks.  If only Asteya were so simple!  It's not just "Hey, don't steal stuff".  The more I read about it, the more I realize just how deep it goes.  And the deeper it goes, the more doo-doo I'm in.

Patanjali's sutra on Asteya says "To one established in Non-stealing, all wealth comes."  This is commonly interpreted as "Do not take that which has not been offered to you".   Common sense, right:  "Don't steal".  What is not immediately apparent is that Patanjali's not necessarily talking about worldly goods.  It turns out, you can "steal" lots of stuff.  You can steal time.  Think about that the next time you're waiting in the doctor's office.  You can steal safety - something to ponder the next time you drive recklessly.  You can steal space - haven't you ever taken up a bit too much room on the subway, or spaced out a bit in the movie theater?

These seem like rather "innocent" forms of stealing, but when I really consider them, it makes me think that I really do not have the right to steal the safety of others, I shouldn't keep people waiting, or take up more space than I need.  But THEN, when I talk about taking up "space" that I don't need...what about taking up "stuff" that I don't need?  This would include buying things that I don't need.  I might be am probably guilty of buying something that someone else has a better use for.  Sure, I paid for it, but there might be someone out there that needs it more than I do, and I therefore "stole" from them.  When I start thinking about that, it really throws me for a loop, and I start to feel guilty about a lot of stuff.  Guilt is harm, and just 2 weeks ago I was practicing Ahimsa (non-harming), and I'm right back to square one.  

Oh boy, this is going to be quite a journey.

"No one is ever really taught by another; each of us has to teach himself.  The external teacher offers only the suggestion, which arouses the internal teacher, who helps us to understand things." - Swami Vivekananda

Welcome to 2013!

Hangover, anyone?

So, is it a good idea to attend a class called "Hangover Yoga" with an actual hangover?  I can't tell you if it is a good idea, but I can certainly tell you what it's like!  I mean, I didn't intend to have a hangover - in fact, I kept telling everyone last night that I really couldn't, wouldn't, shouldn't have another drink because I was doing yoga in the morning, but the class wasn't actually until 11 (late morning), then suddenly the ball dropped, and a few (like 4!) corks popped, and you can't save a bottle of champagne like you can save a bottle of red or white.  Can you?

Alex is a well-regarded teacher at my studio, and today was my first class with him.  As I entered the studio, he greeted a familiar face, inquiring after her New Year's celebration and asked jovially if she had a hangover.  She said, "No...", but I threw it out there that I sure did!  He just smiled and said "Oh, really?", but got caught up in another conversation.  I unrolled my mat, and Alex started to clue into the fact that it would be a packed class, so he asked us to move our mats closer, "like only leave a foot or so between the mats".  He also made sure to walk around before class and introduce himself to the students whom he didn't know, myself included (this is a good practice for a yoga teacher to establish if there is time before class - you can check in with your students and find out their experience level, if there are injuries or limitations, etc).  We shook hands, and Alex asked me if I really did have a hangover, to which I replied, "Yes, I really do.  We haven't met before, and I wish we were meeting under better circumstances!"  He smiled, and advised that I would feel it in down dog and any inversions, and I countered that if I fell over, he would understand why!

I was right up front.  Seriously, right in front of the guy.  With every exhale, I was paranoid that I was spewing forth champagne-laced hangover breath right into his face.  Space was tight, and with every sun breath, I was smacking the gal next to me if I didn't watch my arms.  But I didn't fall, and with every breath, I was able to inhale more and more fresh air.  When I felt dizzy, I closed my eyes and took deep, cleansing breaths - I surely needed them!  Towards the end of the peak poses, he coaxed us into a half-moon, and I was so proud of myself that I was able to hoist myself up there without falling over.

I made it through the practice, and really did my best to bring my A-game.  I was attentive to alignment, attentive to breath, took variations when I needed them, and when he offered headstand at the end of practice, I wisely chose to do legs up the wall.  I didn't make any new year's resolutions last night, but if I'm attending yoga classes with a hangover, perhaps I should have.  I survived, but I think my experience would have been even better and my time on the mat a little more focused if were not so worried about my stinking exhales.  What does matter is the fact that I practiced today with gratitude and did my best to practice with grace, and I will continue both of these practices well into the future.  Without a hangover.

I liked what Alex said to us when we were in Warrior 2 with the left foot forward:  "Your right hand is in the past, your left hand is the future.  Gaze into the future, have the courage to be here in the present."